Hi (:
Natalie
Capricorn. Loud, and crazy. I ♥ cocktails, cocaine, and clubbing.

PARAMORE
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That's a LIE ! at 5:38 AM

haiz..i'm getting mad! Is that result really important?! i really dunno! U all always told me that result are not very important, so..dun force yourself. Try your best enough! We wont scold or punish you because of your result. U all told this to me when i was small. I know, from small, my result was damn bad! kindergaden, primary school until secondary school! I know, my result compare with my sister, is realy have a far distance! Even now, my younger sister studying standard 3, also the result is better than me! I know it very clear! In this family, i'm the worse !

I know that! U think i dont want to have good result? Everyone want it! Me, myself also want to be the perfect one! Every of the exam like UPSR, PMR or SPM, my sister also will get good result! sure will have A for the exam. but me...only UPSR got A . My PMR, although i didnt get A, but i pass all the subject! U all keep on saying, that's good! not easy to pass!..they dunno that i cry silently in my room, or even when i sleep! no one know that! They always think that, i not interest in study, i just like to play! Ya ! i admit! i like to play! but..i also will be serious because of my study! I know when i can be playful, when to be serious!

I still remember on the day, when PMR result release. After i took my result, dad call me, and ask me the result, i told him my result. After that, he ask me, what i wanna study for form 4. I say science. Then, he just say, oh..then u have to work harder lo. I know that! Science is not easy to study, but i just interest on that! You want me to study account? huh? no way! so...i choose it myself! i make decision myself! That's my future, i know!

When i go form 4, and i study science. They didnt say anything..fine! i will try my best! i remember one day, when i having my dinner with my parent, then suddenly talk about our result, i just tell them the true la! i thought they wont say anything also..but suddenly..my dad spoke. He say, he very regret to let me study science! When i heard that, my heart broken! that's really hurt me! hurt so badly! my tears fill my eye on the spot! but..i didnt let it to fall! i told myself, i wont cry infront of them! After that, my sister also say something! Fine! forget it! i know that my sister always look me down! that's normal!

Everyone of them look me down! my cousin, auntie or others..because my sister will always be the smartest one! ya! me sister clever than me! That's true! cant change the true! In their eyes, only have my sister! everytime ask about study, they will only ask my sister, they wont ask me. because they know..my result wont be good! fine! i dont mine how ppl see me! i know my image in their mind is just a stupid girl! nothing can change it! I told myself, dont too depent on them, dont even think you will get a praise from them! It's impossible! wont happen to you! you're just a stupid! ok?! and..now...i wont talk too much to them..unless they ask..then i will only answer what i should! that's all! i dont care about them!

Then, as time go on...my final exam over. Then that day only teacher give back the report card. I know, the result wont be very good! i know that before exam! That day, when my dad having his dinner, my younger sister told him that she get the third in class, i was joking around with my dad..then he also ask me, how about me? how is my result?..then i just tell him..me, hehe..i get the no.3 also, but count from back la! haha..i was joking! then..of course he know i'm joking, he just laugh at me! Then...he ask me, did i get back the report card, i say, ya! got it already! teacher give le..then he ask..how is the result? what u get in class..then i say..teacher didnt mention, and she didnt write inside the report card also! He dont beleive that, so i just let him to see my report card. Then, he never ask me about the percentage or anything, bcoz teacher really didnt write that. So..he just look at the result. Then, he start to talk about my result. Then say me always go tuition also the result so bad! ..after that, my mom say, now u tuition at ptm, your result also never improve, y dont you go to sharon there? ( sharon is a tuition teacher, is my ex tuition teacher, is my sister tuition teacher) then, i say..i dun wan! i dont like sharon. Then, they start to say many things! i just stand there listen le! suddenly, i dunno what myself doing, i give back the words. i say,' study so good for what? can earn more money meh?! i dont think so! ' i really get angry adi! i just walk away and put back my report card and sat down at the sofa and watch tv, listen song!

My dad & mom know that, i dont like them to talk about my study, and i also dont like ppl to ask me to go sharon there to tuition! i really hate there! I just sat down on the sofa and watch tv! At that time, i was hurt! hurt ! HURT SO BAD! my tears fill my eyes again! and i never let them fall! Then, when my dad finish his dinner, he know i not happy adi de. He come and talk to me and say,' daddy not scold you, daddy will never scold you! ok? and i never say your result bad..nvm..ok! dont think like your ah yeng jie jie (my cousin, very close with me) like that, wanna revenge..ok..u cant think about that! ok? u remember, u always is baba secong princess. daddy and mommy always love you! ' . I didnt say anything, just sat there and smile and say ok.
I really get hurt! I know that, when i take my report card to keep that time, my mom told my dad something about me and my cousin de. she think that i think like my cousin! My dad scare i will think something negative and do something freak. so he talk to me.

Haiz..dunno what to say! You all really hurt me! although didnt scold me, but the way u all advise, i know that you all really mind my result! ALthough u all always say u dont mind!
In this world, every parent want their children to have good result! i really know that! I also know that u all really love me, so when u all advise me not so straight to the point!
I know myself very clear and i also know u all! coz u all are my beloved dad and mom!

I always try my best on my exam! u think i never try my best? i always do that! others will not know, but u all should know ! know that your daughter are trying her best!
I know, u all will not worry with sister about her study. because she always godo in study! i know u all are very very very worry with me!
I try my best! i also wanna to be perfect!

I really dont know why, god be so unfair to me! Every bad thing happen to me! My eyes problem, last year , health problem...then even my study! i really dunno what to say! haiz...maybe, is my problem! i dont know!

I really trying my best! every time, my sister will say something to step me! i angry with that! but..i know i cant do anything, because what she say is true! i really stupid than her! what to do? haiz..i like to be with my cousin, LEE YENG. know why? because i can tell her every thing, we share every thing to each other, and she can advise me also! and...we, both, result also not so good! i cant tell my sister every thing, because, i cant trust her! hehe..dunno why..

I always be jealous with those ppl who have a very good result, and i told myself, they are my role model, i can learn from them, and i have to be more hard working! huh? i'm talking nonsense! even i be good, i work hard! the result also the same! Ppl will say that, u are not working hard enough on it! ...who know?! haiz...i really get hurt very badly!
i seldom talk to them this few days, bcoz i really hurt! dunno what to talk with them..

That's really a big lie! what, u try your best or everything! i really hurt! the biggest lie in the world!
I'm the loser! forever!
cry when writting this post!
dad & mom, i really trying my very best! i love you!